Tumblr provides the good vibes of today.
My blog is a work in progress at the moment. Changed my blog name to tassen. I wanted to separate my blog from the rest of my social media, mostly because I believe it could possibly help me feel more comfortable writing again. I don't know what kind of weird phase I'm going through but I believe I'm finding my way through it.
I'm just logging in right now to get shit off my chest. I'm mad, disappointed and I'd like to say hurt, but I won't admit that so I'm definitely not hurt - get me? Some people just LOVE to make you suffer. It annoys me how naive I've been. I truly believed there was good in most people and that it would be worth spending so much on a specific other human being. Turns out this specific other, pathetic human being only played nice as long as he wanted something from me. The second I gave him all he wanted, couldn't give him more and he suddenly owed me something, the game changed completely.
Of course I am talking about my shitty ex boyfriend. Still? Oh, yeah, that blithering idiot is STILL NOT gone from my life. Guess why? Because I was the nicest, motherfucking stupid ex girlfriend who didn't mind at all keeping all of his shit at my place until I could send it back to Sweden to him. Yes, the idiot went back to Sweden so thank the higher power for that, but of course that didn't mean less drama for little Tass. He fucked me over so fucking bad when we were in that disgustingly awful relationship and yet I DIDN'T BURN HIS FUCKING SHIT.
I was nice enough to keep it here, keep it safe - because I am a good fucking person. And what does he do as soon as I send the shit back and pay the difference between the money he gave me to send it and the money it costed to send it back? He asks if I can make him a fucking logo and when I tell him I don't have time he starts ignoring me, when he still owes me money, and is obviously trying to make time pass enough for me to not give a shit anymore. I've given him enough fucking money during the shit time I spent living with him.
I will have my fucking money back, after that he can fuck off so far off I will never see any part of him ever again. I'm not saying I'd be the one to do it, because I couldn't be fucked doing it, but if he died I don't think I'd shed even one tear. Compared to two weeks ago when he was still seeming considerate and seemed to still want things to end "fairly" (it's never ended fairly to me, let's be real. The least he could do to make up for the shit he caused me is not being messy with giving me my money back).
I don't know who came and talked shit into him, but I know someone for sure did because he's not capable of thinking on his own, he is just a simple reflection of the people around him and I know someone talked him into not giving the money back, because now he got everything he needed from me so why the hell would he just be a good person and do what's right? He wouldn't, because that is how selfish and arrogant people function.
I regret not giving all of his shit to one of his friends here so they could take care of it. Let's be real, then he'd pay them back straight away. Literally all of his wardrobe was in those bags, I regret not setting it on fire to be honest. It would have been more fun for me and less of a pain in the ass. But I'm not that kind of person obviously. Now, though, I noticed one of his books are still laying around so I will most probably be giving that one to one of his friends here so whenever he gives me the money back I can fuck him right off, block him everywhere and never see his face again.
He disgusts me so much. Before I didn't even mind keeping in touch and maybe touch base if he'd come back around to Sydney this summer, now I don't ever want anything to do with him ever again in any sort of way or form. It disgusts me how any person can be so inhumane or just not give a shit about their karma at all. Like... What? It doesn't make sense to me. But then I always forget not everyone is as developed in their thinking as me. This one especially, he is about a hundred levels below me. Ugh.
Well, at least I can't say I didn't learn anything from this shit anymore. I learnt to not give anyone who has disappointed me in the past the benefit of the doubt. It is honestly the biggest mistake of my life and unfortunately I can only blame myself. He was always this person. Apparently I didn't see it in the beginning or throughout, but I did find out in the end and I should have made sure he couldn't fuck me again. I should never have given him the benefit of the doubt. I've learnt that I don't always have to take care of everything myself, it's most probably even better to make use of the people around. Like his friends, I should have given everything to them for them to take care of it. Why didn't I think about this before. Why. Why. Why. Fuck.
Anyway, I'm just fucking tired of this. Everyone is telling me to forget about the money and leave it, for my own sake, but honestly? He's gotten away with SO MUCH fucking foul behaviour when it comes to me so this one is not about the money, it's about him not fucking me over once again. I paid the fucking difference. WHOSE EX GIRLFRIEND YOU LEFT UNCONSCIOUS IN A BATHTUB ON THEIR BIRTHDAY WHILE YOU RAN OFF AND BOUGHT A PROSTITUTE AND DIDN'T TELL HER UNTIL NINE MONTHS LATER would be that nice? There is literally not one single girl on this planet that would be that level of nice. (So why am I am I wondering. I really don't get it why I'm so stupid and nice) And he is not even the slightest appreciative of it. He just wants to FUCK ME OVER ONCE MORE BECAUSE HE HAS THE OPTION TO. How fucking disgusting and pathetic is that?
I honestly don't give a shit about him anymore. I give a shit about what he did to me and the effects that had on me, because I am so fucking glad it had the effects it did because it's helping me to live a good fucking life at the moment without any fucking attachments to anyone or anything. I'll get over it at some point and get myself a good fucking MAN (yes, I'm getting myself a man the next time. I'm tired of badly raised boys - no offence to his mother honestly, she is amazing but not even an amazing mother can fix something as broken and wrong as him) that appreciates me for who I am and ALL I'm doing for him. But for now I'm riding solo as long as I have to. I'm not interested in wasting my energy like that again, not for a long time.
Everyone knows me as the person who forgives everyone and everything. But, you, I will never forgive. The point that usually lies within forgiving does not exist with you. And that is the end of that. I truly hope, from deep within, that I will never have to see you again.
Any fucking way, done with the rambling. I don't want this shit to hold me back even the slightest anymore. I mean let's be honest, whenever this went down in August last year it was the beginning of the end of my blogging. Of course there were more things contributing to the annihilation of it, but I think I've figured it out. I just need to let go a little, not give a shit and just use it as notes again.
Last week I accidentally broke my wardrobe mirror. One of the clip thingies that was holding it on the door was apparently loose and came off when I opened it. So I got a million shattered pieces of glass all over my amazing carpet floor. Still think carpet floors are incredibly unnecessary, especially at occasions like this. Anyhow, I got a few nice macro shots from that tragedy so it's all good.
I think I'm just now recovering fully from this Sunday. The club on top of my list had its 6th birthday the Sunday that was and it was a "fancy dress up". Which in this country means costume party. Me and my housemate went to look for costumes last week. I wanted to buy a pirate costume because I will be needing one for next month anyway, only their options for pirates were poor and horrible. I then thought why not Harley Quinn - my hair reminds everyone of her anyway. Only then, of course, all the Harley Quinns were sold out. I saw a third option and went for that - soldier - and I thought adding some warpaint on my cheeks was a good addition to the look. Right? Only throughout the whole night, out of all people walking past and commenting, ONE person guessed it right. I got to hear everything from meow to seaweed queen. Honestly, though, I don't know about seaweed queen but this would have been a poor damn attempt at a cat. Two fat, green whiskers without nose and ears. Come on.
It was a great night spent with great people. There's this dude I've been hanging out with some lately and he's real cool, think I'm in the process of gaining myself a new best friend. Anyway, since it was the club's birthday party they kept the place open until 12pm on Monday. I ended up leaving around 6am-7am to get myself more cigarettes, only I when I came back I went to the exit and tried getting in there - I had no clue where else to get in because the regular entrance was closed. I failed but the rest had moved on to the kick on at my new best friend's rooftop, I brought my housemate and we went there. Kicked on until 1 pm, then moved it to my porch and at 7pm on Monday we gave up and went to bed. I don't know how we do it, but we have somehow managed to do exactly this every single weekend since February sometime. Think this might be one of the reasons why I'm getting problems with sleeping through alarms and for way too long.
It was great, now I'm heading to bed. Have a good one and a song for the night:
I was so damn productive with my studies last night. I'm making designs for all props and the set dressing for our entire project (maybe I should mention the fact that as I started trimester five we started our major projects, which in my group is a short film about an old widow with Alzheimer's - I might update with an entry about all that) and it's heaps of work. I finished nine designs in five hours yesterday - go me. I'm extremely slow with everything I do so I'm impressed, alright.
Today I'll keep going and finish all the designs, then head to get my lashes refilled at 2pm, then hopefully get started with modelling all of these things. Anyway!
Since it's been so long, I can just as well count this as a fresh start, right? Which would mean it's time for what I did the first time I ever started blogging - the classical 100 questions. I didn't actually bother reading them all through so I'm hoping it won't be way too many boring questions. Let's go.
1: Is there a boy/girl in your life? Heaps.
Romantically? Absolutely not.
2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? My head always forgives everyone.
3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?” Am I boring if I say cats...
4: What’s something you really want right now? Swimming pool of 100 dollar notes.
5: Are you afraid of falling in love? No. On the other hand I don't believe I could right now either.
6: Do you like the beach? Love it. Need to spend more time there now when I live close by...
7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? Yes, several times.
8: What’s the background on your cell? A bunch of amethysts.
9: Name the last four beds you were sat on? My own bed, some bed in an apartment the after-party this Friday was at, my lady's and my housemate's.
10: Do you like your phone? I hate it. "Old" and keeps breaking over and over.
11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned? Not at all, they're going way better than planned and I'm extremely thankful for that.
12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? Funny story. Some random guy from the club this Friday who all of a sudden, yesterday, claimed he loves me and couldn't stop thinking about me this whole weekend. He is no longer in my contacts I must add.
13: Would you rather have a Poodle or a Rottweiler? Poodle all day, every day.
14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? Physical, I'm blessed with a strong mind.
15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? Zoooooo.
16: Are you tired? A bit. Lately I'm always a bit tired. It's getting annoying.
17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact? All my life, it's my mum's auntie.
18: Are they a relative? Yes.
19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? No, actually not a single one of them.
20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? Today.
21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? Absolutely not.
22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? We meet on a regular basis, so yeah.
23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? Not a single one. I don't dress up for the dates I have with my homework unfortunately.
24: Is there a certain quote you live by? "Don't forget to live while you are dreaming". Also so cheesy because it's my own quote lol.
25: What’s on your mind? My long lost friend.
26: Do you have any tattoos? Yes, nine of them.
27: What is your favorite color? Most shades of purple, light pink, turquoise and all shades of grey. Yes, I count grey as a colour in this case.
28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? Most probably tomorrow.
29: Who are you texting? No one at this specific moment.
30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch? Yes.
31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? Haven't we all?
32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? Yeah, I believe so.
33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you? I know way too many people has just that at this very moment.
34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Yeah.
35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? I wouldn't mind, we're free people.
36: Were you single on Valentines Day? Fuck yeah.
37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed? What counts as friends? I suppose, something if even that.
38: What do your friends call you? Tass.
39: Has anyone upset you in the last week? No, not really.
40: Have you ever cried over a text? Yes.
41: Where’s your last bruise located? Front of my upper, right thigh.
42: What is it from? I have absolutely no idea.
43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? About nine months ago.
44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with? Australia Post.. Lol.
45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes? I do.
46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day? Every time I can't manage to save it.
47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style? Never for that reason.
48: Do you make supper for your family? Nooo...
49: Does your bedroom have a door? So it does. And it leads to the garden.
50: Top 3 web-pages? Shotgun, Tumblr and Facebook unfortunately. Shotgun because of uni.
51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping? I'm pretty sure most of my straight guy friends aren't too into it.
52: Does anything on your body hurt? My butt and legs. I worked out, wow.
53: Are goodbyes hard for you? Definitely depends who it is.
54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? Water, last night.
55: How is your hair? So disgustingly damaged.
56: What do you usually do first in the morning? Use the toilet. Then eat breakfast.
57: Do you think two people can last forever? I believe it's possible for two thoroughly, very good souls, or simply less than 1% of our population.
58: Think back to January 2007, were you single? Actually no, I had a ridiculous (obviously not serious what so ever) sixth grade relationship.
59: Green or purple grapes? Purple!
60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug? Who knows.
61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? No, definitely not.
62: When will be the next time you text someone? Probably within the hour, when I'm done with this before starting todays studies.
63: Where will you be 5 hours from now? Lying during my lash appointment, most probably sleeping and being awkward, getting my lashes done.
64: What were you doing at 8 this morning? Chased my friend out of my bed so I could start off my day.
65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked? Yep.
66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? Yeah, quite a few actually.
67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today? Yeah.
68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I wouldn't remember that.
69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? Oh, of course.
70: How many windows are open on your computer? 4 different programs, 28 tabs in Chrome <- that mainly because I'm doing studies, looking for reference photos, etc, I'm not that weird I promise. Haha.
71: How many fingers do you have? 10. So far, really hope I get to keep them too.
72: What is your ringtone? Some annoying iPhone standard shit.
73: How old will you be in 5 months? Still 21! The perks of being a late child.
74: Where is your Mum right now? Back in Sweden.
75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? Because I'm too good for him.
76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? Not really.
77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? Almost all of them.
78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? Didn't have a crush.
79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike? Yeeeees, Mikey! He's great.
80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? Yeah, I fall asleep everywhere all the time.
81: How many people have you liked in the past three months? None.
82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? Yes.
83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight? Nope, doesn't exist.
84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? I would never be one of those low-lives. It's honestly the most annoying this, Sydney is especially bad.
85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care? I honestly can't see myself care about anyone but my friends and family right now, so no.
86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? It was an outdoor cinema and I had sex in Centennial Park afterwards.
87: Who was your last received call from? My girlie, only I couldn't pick up.
88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? I'm honestly not sure I could.
89: What is something you wish you had more of? Money.
90: Have you ever trusted someone too much? Yes.
91: Do you sleep with your window open? During summer, hell yeah.
92: Do you get along with girls? Some.
93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? No, I'm comfortable being honest - I'm always comfortable.
94: Does sex mean love? Absolutely and unequivocally, no.
95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? I'd hope not.
96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? Yeah.
97: Did you sleep alone this week? One of the nights so far.
98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? I have more than somebody, I have all of my friends and family.
99: Do you believe in love at first sight? No.
100: Who was the last person that you pinky promised? I don't remember... How bad is that.
Hmmm... Hello, hello! Long time, no see! And, boop, what am I supposed to say now?? I've been struggling with writing a come-back entry for quite a while now. Yeah, a pretty long while, let's be honest. I started this specific entry back in February and have kept it as a draft, writing a little now and then and not getting anywhere. I miss writing about shit but haven't really had the focus to sit down and actually do it. I still kind of don't have it. Pretty 100% sure I don't. But I'm hoping if I just start, then maybe the block will go away. I guess we'll see.
Damn. I just realised I've barely been active the past EIGHT months. Time really has been flying. I'm proud of the progress I've made though. I mean brain is still brain and can be messy at times, but I'm having a good time and that's what matters. Unfortunately, there is no escaping the permanent things you're left with throughout life, you just gotta accept them and rock them. So far I believe I'm doing pretty good. Now I'm not sure what my future brain will think about my solution but it's working for now and it is great, so it's all good.
So there is one pretty good thing about me being gone for such a long time... I have collected heaps of music I just can't wait to put them all in my music tab on here. Now, what else has been going on during this awfully long time? I'm nailing uni - of course -, my best friend visited me and we lived in Coogee for three weeks, maybe a little bit too much party, a lot of fun and adventures anyway, more new good housemates, I did an internship, started my 5th trimester (ONLY ONE LEFT ONCE THIS IS DONE IT'S CRAZY I'M GRADUATING SOON?!) and just a lot things I can't even remember on the spot. I'm not even going to promise I'll be writing catch up entries for these past eight months because it never happens when I do - maybe if I don't say anything I might just do it.
Something that has been really annoying about not writing, though, is that writing is my only outlet and I haven't actually let anything out too much lately. Whenever soemething happens that really upsets you or makes you so happy you are about to explode, you usually tell someone and talk about it with them. I don't do that too often with people. This is the place where I talk about shit. So, I've found myself floating around in my mind a lot lately, simply because there is a lot to float around in. Not necessarily bad or negative things, just different stuff and a lot of it.
Anyway, I need to get some more studies done before bed so I'll be leaving it like this. Hopefully my cheap tricks won't be a total failure and I will return within the next few days to warm up. Let's hope so right. Here is a song for tonight and have a good one!
I have collected a few... and very many facts about my zodiac sign during the past month or so and I thought what would be more perfect for anyone to get to know me better than by reading the accurate ones I can relate to and feel are actually somewhat on point with their statements. So, here we go. Some facts about me and other Saggies and our way of thinking and behaving.
The excitement that arose when I realised I hadn't posted this song here for you to hear. Alright, guys. This is my new top one. I love it and will most probably make a lyric video for it during the break (I even asked for permission and permission is granted 💪). Avae even found my art and asked me to draw him a cover for his next song. Fuck yeah? Something in the style of this one I made last year. Hopefully it will happen, only I don't work for free so we'll see...
Oh, them nails were horrible girl what were you thinking.